Mergers, at least in the news and business plans submitted to investors, are supposed to combine the best of two successful companies into one great organization but as any of us working in corporate America are well aware, that’s a load of bullshit. Don’t be fooled, mergers are anything but successful. They’re death to the middle manager. Call it what you’d like, it sucks and is usually conducted irresponsibly and unethically. In this story restructuring meant eliminating a very overworked and underpaid “redundant management layer”, moving down one layer, re-titling that layer, then simply dump the responsibilities of those that were “reduced” onto the plates of the newly titled management team.
At the time, I had 4 kids to feed. Yes, I survived but joined the ranks of those “newly titled” guys. My former title: Area Sales Manager. My new title: District Sales Manager. Territory: same. Travel: doubled. Responsibilities doubled. Salary: same. No need for a salary increase.
Yes, mergers in corporate America; The road to hypertension and alcoholism. I’m not bitter. I love my job. Yeah, right! But I digress. This story isn’t about me. It’s about Randy and Troy.
Randy formerly worked for company 1. Troy formerly worked for company 2. They were fierce competitors. Now, thanks to the “successful”merger of company 1 and 2, Randy and Troy are miraculously transformed into “enthusiastic members of a new, energetic, cohesive sales force maximizing complimentary talent to win in the marketplace”. At least that’s what the merger advertising said. In actuality, these two guys hated each other. The merger didn’t fix that.
Randy is a typical arrogant, ignorant, slimy, used car type salesman. Troy on the other hand is a knowledgeable intelligent articulate professional salesman. He’s a very likable guy and absolutely hysterical. This guy will have you wetting your pants within the first 20 minutes of meeting him. Randy is clearly a Type A personality. Troy is Hyper-Type A. Randy works the inside angles, kisses a lot of ass and always seems to get the prime customers. He leaves the deadbeats for Troy. Ironically though, Troy sells more to the deadbeats than Randy does to the prime customers. Got the picture? Randy is an arrogant insecure looser. Troy needs to work with the prime customers and quickly. I figure I should lay down a 90 day challenge to these guys to see who can be the first salesman to win over a new high profile very un-approachable prospect – ABC Company. This prospect has deep pockets and likes the work we do. ABC Company is the typical“prime”customer. Since neither company 1 or company 2, and thereby Randy and Troy, have never done business with this prospect. It’s the perfect challenge and a perfect target for two greedy salespeople to jump on and prove their worth.
The principle target inside ABC Company is Jack. Jack is the principle decision maker for purchasing our goods and services. He’s working closely with our competition and is difficult to interact with. Jack’s a busy guy that’s very well aware that he holds the purse strings and if there’s any doubt, he’ll tell you within the first 30 seconds after shaking hands.
Randy and Troy reluctantly and cautiously accept my challenge. I tell them that I’ll be down in 90 days to call on ABC Company but we’ll review progress on this team selling challenge on our weekly sales conference calls. “The whole team will enjoy hearing how well the merger of sales teams is producing positive results”. I can’t believe I said that when all I was thinking is how much I’m going to enjoy the 90 day cage-fighting match between Randy and Jack. Either way, Randy’s out when the final bell rings. He needs to go. This is all about testing Troy. What can I say, I’m a bit devious. If I’m going to travel twice as much, I might as well enjoy it.
As promised, we dedicate the last 10 minutes each week on the sales conference call to hear Randy and Troy report out on their progress. Here are some of Randy’s quotes:
“I have been working Jack for years, even though he doesn’t do any business with our company, we’re good friends”
· “Jack loves me”
· “Jack will be the first to tell you that if I am not on the account, he’ll go with some other company.”
· “Jack won’t like Troy”
· “Troy, you just don’t know the customer”
Wow! I know what you’re thinking: “He actually said that publically with Troy on the call?” (Yes he did. He even confirmed Troy was on the call before speaking) “What an arrogant asshole!” (Correct, but I told you that already.)
While I’m enjoying the discussion, I am supposed to be non-judgmental and listen to the salespeople objectively. But Randy is way over the top.
Troy’s comments:
· “I’ve researched the account in depth. Their organization is very complex so I’ve sent each of you an org chart overlaid with each person’s influence over purchasing our products and services”
·“Jack is the guy but he’s all business and only wants to talk about business.” He likes our competition so he’s not going to be easy to win over. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time researching his likes and dislikes and believe I have a pretty good strategy to get him on our side”
·“I managed to have a phone conversation with Jack. He’s looking forward to meeting all of us in July.”
·“I don’t believe Randy has ever visited Jack in a business setting”.
I’m thinking, Wow, what a pro. He takes the high road and only threw one softball at Randy in six weeks. That was hard to believe. I had to call Troy to get the rest of the story. Sure enough, Troy was quick to open up by informing me Randy is a liar and total fuckin prick.
.”He isn’t a friend of Jack’s. Jack told me he doesn’t even remember who Randy is. What a fucking loser! Who hired this guy?”
My first call is to Randy. “Hey Randy, how are you?” I don’t wait for him to respond because subconsciously I don’t really care. “I am coming to town in a few weeks and want to go see a few customers especially ABC Company. Looking forward to meeting Jack” He tells me that he can’t wait for me to arrive which is such bullshit because he hates everyone from the new company. So the sarcasm continues between us with fake “I can’t wait” and “it’ll be good” comments. If Randy works in any more bullshit buzzwords and phrases I may lose it. I tell him that I want to meet Jack with he and Troy. The awkward silence is puzzling. Did he think I wasn’t serious about the challenge? This guy is amazing. He must have figured I’d forget. I push further. “I am planning to arrive on Tuesday and leave Friday so surely setting a meeting up with your buddy won’t be a problem.” After 10 seconds of waiting, he finally chimes in with, “Sounds great!!” I hang up thinking Randy is a dead man walking.
Those weeks pass and it’s now time to travel to New Orleans to meet Jack. Something is telling me this is going to be either comical or an absolute disaster. Who knew it was going to be both.
Gotta love the Cajun food, the smell of urine on Bourbon street and of course the gambling at Harrahs. I get in the day before around 6 and meet a colleague from the competition. In New Orleans, people think that is collusion but no, just good food, too many drinks and laughing our asses. I simply think, “how many times a month can a guy do this?” I mean seriously, who can fucking drink and eat like that so often?
I meet Randy and Troy for breakfast. There is a startling awkwardness about Randy that’s almost weird. He can’t stop talking about Jack. I wonder to myself, is he sleeping with this guy? Troy is in typical comedic mode. He is telling jokes and fucking with Randy at every opportunity who, as expected was too self absorbed to even notice. Troy doing his best Don Rickles and has me laughing again to the point of tears. We wrap up breakfast and head off to ABC Company.
As we drive, Randy seems to be getting more nervous. I know why, Randy hasn’t taken this seriously and though he could bullshit his way through the challenge. I’m laughing inside at this point.
We finally arrive at Jacks office. I happen to notice actual sweat on the steering wheel as Randy exits the car. Randy takes the lead telling the receptionist that we are here to see Jack. She tells us that she will page Jack to the lobby to greet us and politely tells us to wait in the visitor’s lounge. Visitors lounge? You mean four of the most uncomfortable chairs on the planet surrounded by the obligatory motivational picture on the wall. Fuck it, I’ll stand.
Its almost weird that Randy’s feet are tapping so fast its like watching Gene Kelly (or for the younger people, Michael Jackson) dance across the floor. Troy leans over to Randy and says “What the fuck dude? Chill out? You’re acting like a whore in church”. I now have even higher respect for Troy. He’s fucking with Randy just before his imaginary “good friend” Jack is about to meet us. I have to look away as I’m about to laugh out loud. Perfect! About to meet a customer and I cant stop smirking. These Cajuns will just think I am drunk as most of New Orleans is by noon.
We wait and wait and wait for Jack to make his appearance. Troy informs me that it’s all part of Jack’s intimidation technique. Randy looks clueless and tells Troy he has no idea what he’s talking about. I’m thinking that my little challenge may result in a fistfight right here in the visitor’s lounge but thankfully the door finally opens and a portly gentleman enters the lobby.
Troy stands up and its almost as if time stopped. Randy jumps up and literally lunges towards this man almost pushing me aside to be the first to greet Jack. Randy’s falling all over himself saying; ”It’s so great to see you Jack! How are you and the kids?” Before he can answer Randy interrupts him with, “really glad you can meet my team.” “My team?”I think to myself. “I’m on your team?”The only team connection to me is the logo on the upper left hand corner of our paychecks.
For some reason, Troy turns and exits the lobby. What’s happening? Why did Troy leave? This is getting weird but I play along and listen to Randy gush all over the customer.
Troy had a strange look on his face. A look that screamed, Oh my God, something really bad is about to happen and I’m out of here. Maybe Troy is feeling ill. He excuses himself abrubtly but I stick to the plan and hang in there. Randy continues to bombard him with rhetorical questions and catch phrases all the while fervently shaking his hand.
The guy realizes what’s just happened and finally with a rye smile on his face and with the softest almost sympathetic of tones says, “I very sorry….but…..I’m not Jack…Jack’s on vacation.”
OMG. Did Jack just say he’s not Jack? I’m speechless for a moment. Randy is frozen. He can’t breathe. He is just standing there holding the guys hand with a bewildered look on his face. “Not Jack” actually started to jerk his hand from Randy’s death grip. Randy finally released. Needless to say Not-Jack feeling a bit awkward turns and disappears into the office but not before I hear him break into hysterical laughter. “Jack is gonna love this one” as the receptionist is trying not to laugh. I mean really trying but cant. She finally gives in and leaves her station laughing her ass off.
Randy is left to stand there – frozen. There is nothing he can say. He doesn’t even look at me. He’s bewildered and actually fearful as he begins to imagine the ramifications of what just happened. Holding back my instinctive reaction to burst into uncontrollable laughter, I muster, “Come on. Let’s go.”And head toward the door.
The best part is now we have to ride in the same car back to the office. Randy and I get back to the car where Troyis waiting. He’s leaning on the car, arms crossed shaking his head. He doesn’t say anything just keeps shaking his head and emitting an occasional giggle.
Randy seems to be having trouble breathing and driving. I’m concerned for our safety and offer to drive. Randy says nothing. He doesn’t even look at me. I am truly getting a little nervous. The silence is deafening. I’m concerned he may have a heart attack. His face shouldn’t be that red for that long.
My train of thought is cut off as Troy gets a call on his cell. I turn and look at him in the back seat and shake my head telling him not to answer it. He silently gives me the finger and answers it.
I never found out which coworker he was talking to but his last comment was, “Yeah, we just got out of the meeting that imploded. Stop by my place tonight with a twelve pack. It’s going to take a while to tell this story but it’s a good one.” A pause, then; “Yeah, it involves Randy and the challenge.” All that could be heard was laughter coming from the speaker on the phone. Now poor Randy knows he is about to be the joke of the day at the office. I’m sorry, did I say “Day?”I meant decade.
We arrive and like a good group of Cajuns, the entire staff is waiting on the front steps of the office building. They are waiting to learn the results of the challenge. Randy pulls to the curb and tells us that he forgot that it was his day to pick up the kids and can’t come into the office. We exit the car and Randy speeds away like a bank robber on the run nearly hitting a pedestrian entering the crosswalk. Troydid his best Rich Little impersonation routine of Randy for everyone and had them in tears laughing their asses off. You just can’t make this shit up.
PS: Troy bonded with Jack and had a record sales year thanks to ABC Company’s faith in his recommendations. Randy resigned the next day.
This is a chapter from You Can’t Make This Shit Up!! Corporate America by Sal Savello. The book is available on Amazon.com at http://amzn.to/yoWdPn
Jack's On Vacation 